Thursday, January 26, 2006


Don't be afraid
Don't be scared
It's all going to work out
And, when you think it's
over you'll get hit again
But don't be scared
I'll be here with you
to help sort it out
I'll hold your hand
It will be all right
So don't be afraid
I promise

Monday, January 23, 2006


i want.
i need.
i should.
i could.
i can't.
i won't.
i feel.
i hurt.
i ache.
i love.
i must.
i see.
i don't.
i laugh.
i cry.
i stumble.
i emerge.
i clasp.
i clutch.
i rest.
i wait.
i walk.
i run.
i whisper.
i scream.
i am.
does it ever fucking end?



I'm waiting for this profound moment
Not searching
Just waiting
I sit and day after day I wait
Nothing really happens
But yet I sit still
Words do not flood me
Moods frequently escape
And still nothing
It's like I'm waiting for
Something spectacular to fly out at me
I'll be damned if I even know what it is
My mind lingers
Intricate thoughts do not prevail
I feel mentally marooned
What the fuck am I waiting for
Everyone knows that you have to search
For reflection can't be given unless
You are willing to spread yourself
To see what it is your are really made of
How am I to know
How am I to see
Because I wait
My soul seems empty
Motions are contented
Conversation flows
And I'm still waiting
I need to just stop waiting
Figure out what it is that needs to be
But I should not wait
I'm postitive waiting is no good
To have a profound moment is to act
In this continuation we call life

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Not 100%

I'm just so not feeling 100%. My head is heavy and my throat feels funny. I'm just not well. Because of it, I missed, what was bound to be, a great cardio class w/ Moe. Wahhhhh!!!! I'm going to try to rest and keep my fluids high so that I can go to Karate. But, if I'm not feeling well I'll probaby skip.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Sunday Morning Sun Is Shining

8:27am: I just sat down to a cup of coffee and I felt the desire to put music on. Except, not one artist came to mind that I would like to hear right now.

8:30am: I need music. What a predicament?

8:39: So I begin to search the net for some tunes and I'm turning up with a big, fat NOTHING.

8:42: My CD's stare at me and NOTHING. Meanwhile, my coffee's almost done. Shit.

8:54: Search harder.

8:57: Launchcast through Yahoo! it is.

8:58: First I have to listen to some commercials.

8:58: Still nothing.

9:00: More commercials.

9:01: Music is on but the coffee's gone.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Written in 2001

Where to begin? Hmmm...let's see...

First and foremost I am the only child to immigrant parents from Macedonian (Former Yugoslav Republic). They immigrated here in the late 60's and I am their only child, first-born in the USA. I was raised in a bilingual home and in me was distilled many traditions, the Orthodox religion and a heritage that is marvelous. I graduated high-school in the top 25% of my class and went on to college to study Biology (Pre-Med). However, when I met my husband online in May '94 my life went in a different direction. I realized that I didn't want to be a doctor after all and quit going to college after I dedicated three years to it. In retrospect I wish that I would have pursued the arts (literature, poetry, painting, etc) instead. But, that part of my life is over; Left to blossom later on...

In September 1995 I married my soul mate, Michael. He and I were inseparable from the beginning and above all he was (and is) my best friend. We had a very traditional Macedonian Orthodox wedding. It was wonderful and people still comment about our day. In July '96 we made a big decision and moved to New Orleans, LA (Michael is originally from the Baton Rouge area and has his family down there). Mostly the reason we moved was to get out on our own and to have some freedom away from my sometimes domineering family (LOL!). It was a great experience and even though at the time I was sad that I was away from all that I had ever known, I grew so much when we were there. I learned that I was a woman, first; a wife, second and a daughter, third. This realization was a big turning point in my life.

In August '97 we found out that we were expecting our first child. We had been "sort-of" trying to get pregnant and I even quit my Assistant Manager position at Sears Portraits Studio because we felt the stress of the job was keeping us from conceiving. I quit in February and just relaxed. When we confirmed the pregnancy we made another decision that changed our lives. We decided that a move back to the Buffalo area was needed. Both of us didn't want to live in the south any longer and more importantly we wanted the immediate support of friends and family (something that wasn't readily available in LA as Michael's family was an hour+ away). Moving back up to NY meant that Michael would leave a perfectly good paying job in LA but it also meant that we would be starting a family in a place that was familiar, with a good foundation. In September '97 we packed up and headed home. We were set to live in the garage apartment that my parents had.

To make a super long story short: Our first child was born on March 31, 1998.. It was a son, we named MFL III (affectionately referred to as Mikey). A few months later we were pregnant again with our second. Our daughter, OPL (Livey), was born on April 3, 1999. We were a family of four and doors were opening for Michael with his job situation. Life for us was good and then in January '00 we found out that we were expecting again. This threw us for a loop as it was a total surprise! We were wondering how we would live in the small apartment (a family of 5 with 2 dogs), how we would make ends meet and so much more. Not one month later our world was changing yet again. We got everything started to buy a house and Michael got a new job that paid him double from what he was making before. It was a fresh start and things looked so bright! On September 14, 2000 our second son, BOL (Benny), was born.. Only three days before we signed the papers closing the deal on our first family home!!!

In January of '01 Michael was laid off from his job.. It's been a struggle for us but through it all we remain strong in family, faith, love and hope....

Fast foward. 2006. Living in GA. Michael's a pilot. I'm a home schooling SAHM and life is really good save for the fact that we don't have much money in the bank. Oh well. Life really is good. Thank God.

Intersecting Beams of Light

There are people that come into your life and you don't even notice.
There are people that come into your life that have a spotlight shining on them.
There are times when it's dark with no hope of dimming.
There are times when it's dim with no hope of light.
There are moments in our being that should be forgotten.
There are moments we have that our heart leads us to remember.
These are my times with you.
The spotlight shining, the hopeful light, the rememberance;
They are all of you.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sreken Bozik!

Christmas; Kolede, Badnik i Bozik

The Macedonian Orthodox Christmas celebration begins the evening of January 5th, which is known as kolede. Children go from door to door singing Christmas carols, heralding the birth of Jesus, and receiving fruits, nuts and candy from the people. Later in the evening, the elderly people from the neighborhood gather around a bonfire outside, and engage in a conversation about the past year and the year to come.

The following evening is the Christmas Eve, when a traditional oak log (badnik) is brought to the home. This log is cut by the father of the household and his older son, while the table is being set for the Christmas Eve supper (Posna Vechera). The dinner cannot have anything derived from animals, and it cannot be cooked using cooking oil or other types of fat. The traditional dinner usually consists of baked fish. The dinner is the last day of a traditional 40-day Orthodox Lent, which is done in a way to honor the Virgin Mary for carrying baby Jesus.

The oak log is cut into three pieces, representing the Holy Trinity, and each piece is brought into the house by the father. A member of the family receives a piece and places it on the fire. As this is done, the son and the father exchange a greeting: "Good evening and happy Christmas Eve" (Dobra Vecher i Vesel Badnik). While the log is being placed on the fire, the mother and the grandmother gather the children together into the room where the dinner is to be served. Each person carries a bundle of straw from outside, and together with the mother they spread the straw on the floor. The spreading of the straw on the house floor is meant to make the atmosphere more like that when the night Jesus was born. The house is decorated further decoratesd with oak and pine branches, representing the wish of the family for long and healthy life, "with health strong as oak, and with a life long as that of the oak."

Then the christmas dinner is served on the same table that the Christmas candle is burning. As part of the dinner, homemade bread (pogacha) with a coin hidden in it (usually placed inside before it was baked) is served. The traditional belief is that whoever gets the coin in his/her piece, will have a particularly successfull year to look forward to. The Christmas candle is then lit, and everyone sings a Christmas hymn. Very early Christmas day, people attend the first morning church service. After the family returns from church, the first guests arrive. This is usually someone who is a dear friend of the family, and is especially honored during the celebration. The guests are met by the hosts, who kiss the guest three times on the cheeks and give him/her the Christmas greeting "Christ is born" (Hristos se rodi), and the guest replies "Indeed he is" (Voistinu Se Rodi). These greetings are exchanged throughout the three days or Christmas. After the exchange or the greetings, the guest shakes the burning oak log and when the sparks fly up, he/she expresses his/her best wishes for the family. This is usually done in some form of rhyme, mentioning the Special desires of the family.

The Christmas dinner usually consists of roasted meat and other festive dishes; the meal marks the beginning of the Christmas celebration, which lasts for the following three days. The festive meal has to be rich, and should have meat as part of it, as it is meant to celebrate the birth of Jesus after the strict Orthodox Lent.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Secret Agent Mama, Is She AADD?

Symptoms of Adult ADD:
-Lack of focus
-Difficulty finishing projects
-Losing things

Yep, I have it.

Three fucking times I got up to go get my grocery list so that I could put the ingredients I need to make Kung Po Chicken tonight. But, each time I did something different.

I think I've had an ADD explosion. Lately I can't keep the house organized for shit, I can't seem to find things that I know I had and I'm just in complete dissaray.

I think it's time for therapy.

Monday, January 02, 2006


Mikey and I got some really good one-on-one time with Sensei Dan tonight. He worked me out but good. God, I love Karate!!!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Give Me Karaoke or Give Me Deathe

I know what Olivia is getting for her birthday now...a karaoke machine and beaucoup de CDs!!

'1985' by Bowling for Soup

Woo Hoo Hooooo!
Woo Hoo Hooooo!
Debbie just hit the wall
She never had it all
One Prozac a day
Husband's a CPA
Her dreams went out the door
When she turned 24
Only been with one man
What happened to her plan?
She was gonna be an actress
She was gonna be a star She was gonna shake her ass (I said bootie)
On the hood of Whitesnake’s car
Her yellow SUV is now the enemy
Looks at her average life
And nothing, has been...ALRIGHT, since

Bruce Springsteen,
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that shes uncool
'Cause she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985

Woo Hoo Hooooo!(1985)
Woo Hoo Hooooo!
She’s seen all the classics
She knows every line
Breakfast Club,
Pretty In Pink
Even St. Elmo's Fire
She rocked out to Whaam!
Not a big Limp Bizkit fan
Thought she'd get a hand
On a member of Duran Duran

Where's the mini-skirt made of snakeskin?
And who's the other guy that's singing in Van Halen?
When did reality become T.V.?
What ever happened to
sit coms,
game shows,
on the radio

Bruce Springsteen,
way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that shes uncool
'Cause she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985

Woo Hoo Hooooo!
She hates time, make it stop
When did Motley Crue become classic rock? (classic rock)
And when did Ozzy become an actor?
Please make this

Bruce Springsteen,
way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that shes uncool
'Cause she's still preoccupied
With 1985

Now, where were you in 1985. I was 11 years old!! LOL

I Resolve...

I've been giving generous thought to my 2006 Resolutions and here they are.

Pertaining to Health:

1) I resolve to eat appropriate portion sizes.
2) I resolve to not obsess about my food b/c I resolve to make good food choices.
3) I resolve to walk 5 times a week (1-2 miles/day, both indoor via WATP or outdoor) and I resolve to keep on kicking in Karate.
4) I resolve to get back to a Yogic way of life.
5) I resolve to be happy with my body, no matter what size and shape it is; just as long as I'm HEALTHY!

Pertaining to Business:

1) I resolve to get more Avon catalogs out to customers.
2) I resolve to just keep going and make this work!

Pertaining to the Children and Michael:

1) I resolve to yell less or not yell at all.
2) I resolve to play more.
3) I resolve to get them outside more.
4) I resolve to be more organized with our home school (this is a hard one b/c we go at our own pace and do what we can, when we can).
5) I resolve to keep expanding my cooking skills.

2006, Already?

Holy snap, man, I can't believe that it's 2006. 2005 had it's ups and downs but doesn't every year? In the 90's the 2K's seemed eons away and here were are almost through the first decade of 2K. It's unreal but yet it's so real.

We were very lucky to be invited to 2 different parties this year. We declined a fellow GA Mom's party invite because of how far they live from us (almost an hour away). By the time the party got changed to a little closer to home we had accepted Rene's invite for the party at her house. It's all good, really. :)

Regardless, we ushered in the New Year very happily. We had a blast! Rene, Andy and their daughter, Maureen and Jeff were there with the kids, Heather and Kelly and their motley testosteroeful crew and another of Andy's friends and his wife and best friend were all there as well as Rene's sweet-as-chocolate-cream-pie sister, Jessa. We had a lot of food and drink and a KARAOKE machine! I was unanimously declared to be the "Queen of Karaoke" and rightfully so, if I do say so myself. *giggle* The drinks went down really easily, too. I had three of Jessa's fruity concoction with Rum in the first hour on an empty stomach. After I paused my beverage consumption for a while I resumed with Rene's peach-orange martinis. On top of that add in a champagne glass and I was pretty lit. I wasn't blubbering, though. That's always a plus.

The biggest bonus of the night was how well Michael got on with Andy, Jeff and Kelly (whom he had met in the summer). They talked like they had known each other for years, much like how us girls clicked. It was pretty awesome. Not because he's mine but I think Michael's pretty damned fantastic (save when he's pissed off at me for something stupid - haha).

Benny was first to go down from our brood. At about 10:15 he climbed up on one of the couches sleepily. I asked Michael to get the sleep clothes and sleeping bags. By 10:30 Benny was asleep. Next to go down was Olivia. She had only wanted to watch TV in her sleeping bag but by 11:30 she was down for the count. Mikey, on-the-other-hand, was determined to stay up to see the fireworks that were set to go off at midnight, across the street. He made it and then some. But by 1:20am he was so cranky and groggy that I draged him downstairs. Maureen laughed when she recanted what I said to him as I took him down. I said, "Son, you're just overstimulated.." and boy-oh-boy, was it ever true.

We hung around until about 2:00am'ish. By the time we got everyone and everything out of the house and into the truck, and said our good-byes and thank-yous, it was around 2:20. Livey called out 2:42 after she made a pee-pee and prepared to jump into her cozylicious bed. By 3am all three kids were snug as bugs in rugs and the dogs had peed and pooped and Michael and I were in bed, fan turning above us, as we sunk into the sleepy abyss. I remember telling him how much fun I had and I remember him telling me how much fun I had and the next thing I knew my dad's ring was playing and I was answering my phone in a hushed manner. It was after 10am.

I spoke to both my parents early in the New Year. I also had the chance to say "Happy New Year" to an old friend of Michael's, also an old friend of mine from our New Orleans days of old. It was great to hear David's voice and I chastized him about the fact that he needs to come and see us!!

All-in-all, 2005 was a pretty great year. I'm happy with our life here in Georgia. I'm happy with all my relationships. I'm happy. I'm happy and I expect for this happiness to carry through. May God bless and keep us safe, healthy and content and may He bless all that we encounter in 2006 and always.

Happy New Year 2006!